My life

I have suffered from Anxiety & Depression. I’ve had it since I was 14, it got worst when I was 21. & Also I have dyslexia I had that since I was 6 yrs old. It’s hard to deal with on a daily basis after everything that I’ve been through.

When I was 13 there was this teacher that would bring me out of the classroom & to the library every day. She would ask me to solve equations & remember patterns, At that point of time, I thought everyone in my class had to do it. But I was wrong it was only me. How did I know? Simple, That teacher called up my mom & Told her “Hey guess what your daughter has dyslexia”, Well she didn’t say it exactly like that but still, It seems that my parents already knew about this when I was 7. My mom explained to me what Dyslexia was & etc. I thought nothing of it at that time but soon my whole class found out that I had dyslexia to make things worse I got bullied every single day because of that & also because I was fat & ugly. I`ve been bullied since I was 6. To me, it became a daily routine. Once when I was 8 yrs old, Some girls pushed me into the girl's bathroom & locked me there for 2 hrs no one even noticed I was gone the teachers thought I was being rebellious.. When I was 10 a couple of boys from my tamil class locked me in the classroom & there was so back door I was with a friend at that point of time, I was so scared I tried pushing the door open but they were holding it, Till my thumb got trapped & they didnt show any mercy they kept forcing the door to close I crying in pain & begging them to open the door, Once they saw blood they quickly let go & I felt my hold hand numb.. My parents would try to talk to the teachers about my classmates taunting & bullying me, But they couldn’t do much either. So I had to live with it. My self-esteem was so low, No guy wanted to be with me. All of them said the same thing, “I was fat, ugly, stupid etc”. There was one time the girls in my class kept pushing me everytime I walk saying "She's such a nerd & So fucking ugly.." When I was 14 I had my first “Far distance relationship” & He was a cheater.

Here’s where my story gets a bit darker. When I was 18 I was dating this guy whom at the time I thought was really sweet. We dated for two months, For the first month, he was a real “gentlemen” once the 2^nd month came he changed. He becomes rude, obnoxious. But I saw past all of that. One day he told me he wanted to talk things out with me at a HDB block nearby. I said ok sure. We went to last story & sat at the corner. I felt uneasy. In middle of our conversation, he forced me to kiss him, I tried to push away but he was too heavy. He spread my legs with his, Covered my mouth with right-hand & the other he processed on to lifting up my blouse then he unhooked my bra. He grabbed one of my breast & bite it so hard I tried screaming but I couldn’t.. I was so scared & Terrified. He tried to lift up my skirt but by then an old lady from one of the houses where we were sitting came out & he quickly got up from me. I ran from there as fast as I could.. I was so scared to tell my parents because I thought I would get in trouble. So I kept that as my secret from them.

Then later that year I met a guy, We were today for 4 years everything was going good.. So I thought. For 4 months, He distanced himself from me, I thought it might have been something I did or said. We fought alot, I lost my sleep, Had no appetite to eat. Sometimes I would beg him to stop hitting me or even leaving me. Then one day I got him red-handed with another woman. He tried to say it was all a lie but seeing is believing right? We got into a fight & Even then he punched me.. I was so weak.. Slowly I developed an eating disorder & I became anorexic. My diet was a water & biscuit for 4 months during the course of our argument & after our break up. My anxiety got worse so did my depression. I was a wreck.. Sometimes I would have atleast 1 to 2 hrs of sleep. I felt bad for my mom & My best friend Nurul for having to put up with me during that time & even today. Most days I would get angry, Throw tantrum at them for no reason at all, When I'm arguing with them I would walk away cause my head feels like it's about to explode due to my overthinking that they are gonna leave, I had suicide throughs. As months past I was slowly healing till more horrible incidents happened.. My mom & Nurul were so patient during those times.. I broke down in front of them saying I was sorry for what I put them through & that I didn't mean it & I begged them not to leave me. They looked at me & I'll never forget what they said "We love you, We're not going anywhere, We know what kind of person you are, This is not you, We'll help you no matter how long it takes.." I love them so much.

Now i'm 23, I still have anxiety & depression but it's slowly healing.. I met an amazing man. I love him to death. He has the most beautiful heart, He has a smile that you could just fall for instantly, Whenever he hugs me I feel so safe in his arms.. I feel guilty because I need walk away once during an argument that hurt him so much.. I hated myself because I couldnt even think straight.. How could I be so stupid.. But he still loves me & He accepts me for who I am. He's even trying to heal me. I love him so much.. I can never forget the first time I met him, I was in the Cab on the way to meet him & My heart was beating so fast, I kept checking myself in the mirror. Then when I reached my destination, I saw him with our lil fluffy dog <3 2nd="" a="" always="" amazing="" amp="" anything="" arms="" at="" be="" beat.="" beautiful="" became="" bench="" boyfriend="" bright="" by="" caring="" could="" do="" down="" even="" every="" everything.="" felt="" first="" for="" full="" gave="" had="" handsome="" he="" head="" heal="" heart="" held="" him.="" him="" his="" home.="" home="" hug="" i="" in="" it="" jokes="" just="" kiss="" laughs="" life="" like="" love="" loving="" m="" makes="" man="" me="" meet="" met="" mom="" my="" myself="" never="" notes="" nurul="" our="" ow="" p="" package.="" perfect="" person="" s="" safe..="" sat="" see="" she="" shining="" shy="" side.="" silly="" single="" skipped="" smart="" so="" standing="" stars="" still="" stronger="" sweet.="" sweet="" than="" that="" the="" then="" there="" this="" tight="" till="" time="" to="" trying="" type="" understanding="" was.="" was="" way="" we="" would="">